Visit for Great Deals!

Yarns & Tales

Below is a collection of yarns showing the funnier side of autos and their owners.

Be sure to check out the humorous stories also found on the Blondes & Their Cars, Model T Fun, Yugo Humor, and One-Liners & Shorts pages.

If you have a favorite story about auto humor that you would like to add to our list, you can send it to us using the Submit Humor form or if you prefer, by e-mail.

Just browse the tales below or select a story:

The Ferrari & the Moped Henry Ford in Heaven Route 22 Three Guys in Heaven Arkansas The Yuppie Gotcha! The Hitchhiker The Radiator Cap Solution The Wife The Vasoline 'Vette	Only a Cadillac! Gladys & Minnie Silence Is Golden Traffic Rules Fast Thinking The Native & the Tourist Cow Options The Five Surgeons The Juggler Leave It to the Amish Letter from Grandma

Use at the end of each tale to return to the Humor page.

The Ferrari & The Moped

A rich, hip young man goes out and buys a 2001-2008, Ferrari GTO . It is the best, fastest and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,

"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 2001-2008, Ferrari GTO. It cost about a half million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, Whhoooooossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whhooooooossh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whhoooooossh! Ka-Blaaaamm!! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," moans The old man and replies, "Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

Henry Ford in Heaven

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention - the assembly line for the automobile - changed the world! "As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?"

"What do you mean?" God asks.

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

There's too much front end protrusion.
It chatters way too much at high speeds.
Maintenance is extremely high.
It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
The rear end wobbles too much.
The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
The headlights are usually too small.
Fuel consumption is outrageous.

And, that is just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Route 22

While patrolling a local highway known for speeders, a State Patrol Officer notices a late model sedan barely moving in the traffic. He clocks the car at 22 mph, and thinking to himself, "This car is just as dangerous as a speeder," he turns on his lights and pulls the driver to the side of the road.

As he approaches the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - all wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Three Guys in Heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. They come before Saint Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were each of you faithful to your wives?"

The first guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at any other women."

Saint Peter says, "Great. See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven."

The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife, and she forgave me, and we worked it out."

Saint Peter says, "Good. See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."

The third guy says in answer to the same question, "I have to admit, I chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women."

Saint Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven.

The three guys go off on their separate ways. A few weeks later, the second two guys are driving along when they see the first guy's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and Find companion with empty bottles all around him, with his face down, buried in his hands on the bar.

They come up to him and the second guy says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad? You're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"

The poor, despondent fellow replies, "I saw my wife today!"

The other two look at each other in puzzlement and reply, "That's great! What's the problem?"

He throws his hands up and answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"

Arkansas

An elderly couple is driving cross country. One day when the woman is driving, they are pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once - had the worst sex with women I had ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

The Yuppie

One day, a yuppie had just gotten his first BMW and wanted to show it off to his friends. He goes motoring up Broadway, and parks at his friend's apartment. In his excitement, he forgot to look when he opened the car door. Just at that moment, a taxi comes screeching up, neatly ripping the door from the car, along with the yuppie's left arm.

At this, the yuppie began to scream "My BMW, my BMW!"

The concerned taxi driver ran over to the bleeding yuppie and said, "Your arm has just been torn off! You're losing lotsa blood and are in shock."

The yuppie, quiet for a moment, looked down at where his arm had once been, and started screaming even louder, "My Rolex, oh my God not that! My Rolex!"

Gotcha!

In an attempt to reduce the number of drunk drivers, the local police decide to begin staking out the most popular bars at closing time. Because they are short-handed they can only post one car at each bar, so the police chief instructs them to watch the people as they leave the bar and go after whoever seems the most drunk. He gives each officer a portable breathalyzer and sends them on their way.

One cop ends up waiting until 2am before his assigned bar closes. The patrons head for their cars in various stages of unsteadiness, but one guy in particular is so wasted he's bouncing practically every car and object in the parking lot as he looks for his vehicle, falling flat on his face several times. Crawling the last fifteen feet the drunk manages to open the door and haul himself into his car.

The fellow sits in his car for several minutes fumbling with switches; lights and wipers alternately turn on and off. Finally, when the lot is virtually deserted, the car starts and moves forward, cutting across the grass and curb to get to the street.

Just as the guy starts to pull out of the lot, the cop comes roaring up with the lights and siren blaring and orders the guy out of his car.

The driver is ordered through a series of sobriety test - counting backwards, walking a straight-line, standing one foot, etc. - and passes them all with flying colors. In exasperation the cop orders him to breathe into the breathalyzer which reads a big 0.0 level.

Both puzzled and infuriated, the cop asks, "What in the hell is going on! Getting to your car you could barely walk. Now, you seem stone cold sober!"

The man grins and replies, "I'm the designated decoy!"

The Hitchhiker

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest hitchhiker at the side of the road. Having been raised a good Catholic, he stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A bit further down the road the truck driver saw a toll collector beside the road taking his lunch break. Snarling, he turned the truck onto a direct, collision course with the toll collector. But, reconsidering, he thought, "Better not, I have a priest in the truck. Guess I can't run down this toll collector."

At the last second the Truck driver swerved his truck to the side to miss the toll collector. But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but couldn't see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that toll collector at the side of the road."

The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

The Radiator Cap Solution

After carefully examining the car, the mechanic looked sadly at the engine compartment for a couple of minutes and finally said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution."

"Oh," the customer said, trying not to sound too confused, "do you mean that all I need is a new radiator cap?"

"Not quite," the mechanic said. "What you really need is to lift the radiator cap, tow this car away, and then drive another car under the cap. Then you can screw the radiator cap down again. That will solve most of your problems."

The Wife

A man is driving a car with his wife when he is suddenly stopped by a cop. The cop says, "Good evening, sir, you were going 75 in a 55 mile per hour zone."

The guy says, "No, I wasn't."

His wife turns to him and says, "Yes, dear, you certainly were."

The man says, "Why don't you just keep your mouth closed?"

Then, the cop says, "You also didn't have your seat belt on, sir."

Naturally the guy says, "Sure, I had it on."

Again the wife says, "No, honey, I'm afraid you didn't."

The man turns around and speaks to the woman in a violent manner, "I told you to shut the hell up!"

The cop bends down and says to the woman, "Excuse me ma'am, but is this your husband?"

The woman says, "Yes, I'm afraid so."

"Is he always this mean and rude with you?" asks the cop.

The woman says, "Oh no officer, it only happens when he's very drunk."

The Vasoline 'Vette

A guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it says, "Take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline."

Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails.

Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she's prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes.

"I have a date and cannot do the dishes." the older of two daughters says.

"I can't do them because I have homework." the younger daughter adds.

"I am the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. the father chimes in.

The somewhat frustrated wife suggests a solution. "Let's all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes." They all agree and move into the living room to sit and wait.

Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, "I knocked, but no one answered. What's the deal?" Not a word from the family.

The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. "May I have a beer?" he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them.

Maybe it's his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. "I'd like to make love to your daughter," he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. "How about the other daughter?" he asks, and off they go. Soon he's proposing the same for the farmer's wife, and getting no response, he has his way again.

Finally, the man notices that it's getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline.

"All right, all right," says the farmer, "I'll do the damn dishes."

Only a Cadillac!

A man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant.

"Fill ‘er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is the latest Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 disc CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that’s really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Gladys & Minnie

One day, Gladys and Minnie decided to take a drive. When Gladys drove through a yellow light with even a pause, Minnie took note, but wasn't too concerned. But, when a block later Gladys repeated the action and drove through a stop sign without a pause, Minnie sat up and became more alert. Next, when Gladys speed straight through a red light with no apparent notice of the signal, Minnie could no longer ignore the situation.

"Did you know you just ran a red light?" she asked Gladys with some alarm in her voice.

"Oh shit!" Gladys said, "Am I driving?"

Silence Is Golden

A guy was driving one day when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 "Safe Driver Award." Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him - he shoots his mouth off when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat then shouted, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Traffic Rules

Fred and Sam are driving down the road going about 85 mph when they come to a red light and Fred goes right through it.

Sam turns to Fred and says, "What the hell are you doing?"

Fred says, "Don't worry' my brother does it all the time."

So on they go, and bam.... 90 mph through another red light!

Again in response to Sam's protest, Fred says, "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!"

Then, they're driving along coming up to yet another red light, when it suddenly turns green. Fred jams on the breaks and skids to a stop!

Sam looks over and says, "What the hell is wrong with you? The #&%!)# light turned green! Why did you stop?"

Fred says, "I figured my brother might be coming from the other way!"

Fast Thinking

This yuppie bought a new BMW convertible and took it out on the highway to enjoy his new purchase. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 100 mph he suddenly saw a flashing blue and red light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and pressed the peddle to the floor. The needle hit 120 but still the cop stayed on his tail.

"What in hell am I doing?" the driver thought and wisely pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word then examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last booking," he said. "I don't feel like any more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I've never heard before, I'll let you off!"

The yuppie thought a moment, then said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop...and I was afraid you were he trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night and drive slowly!" said the officer.

The Native & the Tourist

One day, two men get into a car accident. One fellow is a tourist, while the other is native to the town. Fortunately, neither is hurt, so they get out of their cars to examine the damage. After exchanging names and addresses, they settle back to wait for the cops to arrive.

As they are waiting, the native says,"Why don't we have a drink to calm our nerves a bit?" The tourist accepts, and takes a drink out of the flask which the native produces from his coat pocket. He hands it back to the native, who replaces the cap and returns it to his pocket.

"Aren't you going to have some?" the tourist asks.

"Sure," the native replies, "as soon as the cops leave."

Cow Options

The local farmers had been thoroughly and repeatedly bilked by a certain local car dealer in a nearby town.

Then one day, this same car dealer informed one of the farmers that he would be coming around to purchase a cow. The farmer then attached the following price sticker to the side of the animal in question:


Basic Cow:	$720.00
Two-tone exterior:	$45.00
Extra stomach:	$75.00
Product-storing equipment:	$60.00
Straw chopper:	$40.00
4 spigots @ $50/each:	$200.00
Cowhide upholstery:	$125.00
Dual horns:	$55.00
Automatic fly swatter:	$55.00
Fertilizer attachment:	$185.00

TOTAL:	$1,560.00

The Five Surgeons

One day five surgeons are taking a coffee break between operations.

The first surgeon remarks, "I think accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon says, "Oh no, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

To this, the third surgeon interjects, "Try electricians, guys! Everything inside THEM is color-coded."

Leaning back, the fourth surgeon says, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

Finally, the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like automobile car restorers." In response to his colleagues' puzzled looks, he continues, "they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

The Juggler

A juggler is on his way to his next performance when he is stopped by the police. While writing the ticket, the cop spots the juggler's equipment in the back seat.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

At that, the juggler retrieves the needed props, gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully while the cop watches intently.

At that moment, a couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," the driver says to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Leave It to the Amish

One fine day, an Amish lady is driving along the road in her horse and buggy when, surprisingly, she is pulled over by a policeman.

"Did you know you have a broken reflector on your buggy?"

"Oh no, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. I'm sure he will repair it right away."

"That's fine," the cop said, then continued a bit hesitantly. "Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his - er - private parts."

Feeling a bit embarrassed and his face slightly flush, the cop cleared his throat and continued with what he hoped sounded like more confidence and authority. "I consider that animal abuse. I'll not ticket you this time, but have your husband take care of that and the reflector right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

First, he said one of the reflectors on the buggy is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes," Jacob said. "What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob. He said something about the emergency brake."

Letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

Visit for
Great
Deals!

|| HOME | About Us | For Sale | Wanted | Vendors | Ad Info | Resources | Humor | Link to Us | Feedback ||