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Bumper Stickers

The following list contains many of our favorite bumper stickers. These include those we have seen, collected, had submitted, and made up on our own.

We have tried to select entries that are more or less unique or different in their own way - humorous, sarcastic, philosophical, or sometimes just plain dumb. Along these same lines, we have tended to avoid including most of the trite, overworked stickers such as "Jesus Saves" or "Save the Whales" which we have all seen on a zillion cars. (But, be sure to see the variations on these and other commonplace stickers in the list below.)

Though none of the following material contains profanity or pornography, anyone who is sensitive to political, religious, ethnic or other "directed" humor may find a small number of the expressions to be somewhat offensive. But, then, that is the nature of the subject. You have been forewarned so don't get on our case about it.

If you have a favorite bumper sticker that you would like to add to our list, you can send it to us using the Submit Humor form or if you prefer, by e-mail.

Enjoy and feel free to copy if you see something you like.

Just browse the list below or select a letter:

0-9		A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	J	K	L
M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z

Use

at the end of each section to return to the Humor page.

0 - 9

0 to 60 in 15 minutes!
1,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
24 hours in a day - 24 beers in a case - Coincidence?
4 out of 5 cannibals prefer vegetarians
4 States of Tequila: I'm rich, I'm good looking, I'm bulletproof, I'm invisible.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean car is a sign of a sick mind.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A day without sunshine is like...night.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are my best friends.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A friend in need...can be a real pain in the ass.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Action = Life Silence = Death
Adult child of alien invaders.
Adultery is not a family value.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
Against Abortion? Don't have one!!
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Don't drink & derive!
All generalizations are false.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All men are created equal - Poor things!
All men are idiots...I married their king.
All parts falling off of this car are of the highest quality.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
America: Land Of Opportunists
American Patriot: #1 Endangered Species. [Handgun W/slash Through It]
Amish time traveler on board.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
An armed society is a polite society.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Anarchists of the World: UNITE!
And God said, "Let there be Chaos, Panic, & Disorder. My work here is done."
And which dwarf are you?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word Lisp to have a S in it?
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Angels believe in me!
Angels wing it!
Another Christian Against The Christian Coalition.
Anticipate miracles
Anyone who doesn't like cats just hasn't had them properly prepared.
Anything free is worth what you paid for it.
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Arms are for hugging [handgun with slash thru it]
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Assassins do it from behind
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Atheism is a victimless crime.
Attack Stuck Jeeps Here
Attitudes are the real disability.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Avenge Yourself! Be a problem to your children.
Axe me about Ebonics

Baby I'm bored.
Baby philosophy: If it stinks, change it.
Back off! I'm a goddess.
Back off! I'm a postal worker.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?
Bad cop - No donut.
Bad spellers of the world, unight!
Balloon pilots do it above the clouds
Ban Abortions - Eat Your Young Instead.
Bartender: a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Be kind to animals - Hug a hockey player.
Be natural. Go naked.
Be nice - society already sucks.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
Beautify the South. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer isn't just for breakfast anymore.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.
Behind every successful woman is herself.
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
Bend Over - Hillary's Healthcare's Coming.
Better A Bleeding Heart Than None At All.
Better living through denial.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bill Clinton - 99% Fact Free
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat.
Bill Clinton should have let Ted Kennedy drive Paula Jones home.
Bill Clinton - two new faces for Mt. Rushmore.
Bill of Rights: Void Where Prohibited by Law
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
Body by Nautilus - brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere.
Boost The Stock Market - Fire Someone.
Born again pagan.
Born Free...Taxed to Death.
Borrow a child's imagination and...
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Bosses are like diapers - they're always on your ass and usually full of shit.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Brat in trunk.
Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Bumper sticker
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: "DISCO STILL SUCKS"
Bumper stickers suck!
Buy a gun - support the constitution.
Buy a gun. Piss off the liberals.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Car will explode upon impact.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Cars aren't the only thing that get recalled by the maker.
Cat - the other white meat!
Caution! Driver applying make-up.
CAUTION: Driver legally blonde
CAUTION: Driver Singing.
CAUTION! I brake for hookers.
CAUTION: I brake for tailgaters.
CAUTION! I drive like you do!
Caution: I swerve and hit people at random.
CAUTION! The toes you step on today may be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.
Celebrate Diversity
Celebrate Perversity
Cemetery: A place where the cost of dying depends on the cost of living.
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Change is inevitable - except for vending machines.
Chatham: a quaint drinking village with a fishing problem.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.
Children should be seldom seen and never heard.
Chop down the rain forest - and build a BIG-ASS MALL!
Choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
Christians didn't discover America - the greedy white bastards $tole it.
Church and State: keep them Separate.
Clean up America. Shoot a redneck!
Clear the Road! I Am Sixteen!
Clinton doesn't inhale...he just sucks!
Clinton SUCKS
Clinton Tax Plan: Send it All in. Now!
Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign!
Clinton's Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility.
Clintonophobia - Only Idiots Are Immune.
Clones are people two.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Come The Rapture - Can I Have Your Car?
Commie Bore!
Compost Happens!
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Condoms are easier to change than Diapers!
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
Conserve Water; Shower with a friend.
Copulate, don't populate.
Corduroy pillows - They're making headlines!
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Court: A place where you place your fate in the hands of twelve people too stupid to get out of jury duty.
Courtesy Is Contagious.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Create A Miracle.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Currently training to avoid a mid-life crisis.
Custer got Siouxed
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?
Dain bramaged.
DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
DAMM: Drunks Against Mad Mothers
Dance with reckless abandon
Dancing: a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
DANGER: I drive like you do!
Dare to keep cops off doughnuts.
Dare to keep kids off drugs
Dare to keep the CIA off drugs
Dare to speak the truth to power
Dare to think for yourself. (Drugs Are Really Expensive!)
Dead heads don't fall down, they just keep on tripping!
Death before inconvenience!
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Death is the consequence of being alive.
Decriminalize Canoeing in Kansas.
Defecation eventuates.
Defunding education is defeating the future.
Department of Redundancy Department
Depression: anger without enthusiasm.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
Did you check if your horn works?
Die Yuppie Scum!
Die Tailgater Scum!
Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way.
Diplomacy: the art of saying "Nice doggie!" - 'till you can find a big enough rock.
Divers do it deeper!
Do I look like a freakin' people person?
Do I look like a Hemorrhoid? Then get off my ass!
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Do not tailgate - or I will flick a booger on your windshield!
Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing hunt a dinosaur!
Do you trust a government that doesn't trust you with guns?
Do YOU Trust Your Government?
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
Does character matter - YET?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does this condom make me look fat?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Dogs are for life, not just for Christmas.
Doing my part to Piss off the Religious Right.
Dole for Pineapple.
Dole won't live 4 years!
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't blame me, I voted against them all!
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Don't come knocking if the car is rocking.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.
Don't f*** with my head, and I won't think with my dick!
Don't follow me I am LOST!!!
Don't get too close - this car has gas.
Don't laugh at these fogged up windows; it's your daughter in here.
Don't laugh, it's paid for.
Don't laugh. This is my other car
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Don't Legislate Hate. Fight The Right
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don't let your Meatloaf
Don't let your mind wander, it's not big enough to be left alone.
Don't like my driving? Call (800) EAT-SHIT
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Don't make me come down there? - GOD
Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't postpone joy.
Don't show your public hair, while in pubic.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously - you won't get out alive.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test.
Don't wash. Dirt test in progress.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
DON'T BITCH if you don't vote.
Doo-Doo Occurs
Drink 'til she's cute but stop before the wedding.
Drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
Drive it like you stole it!
Drive like hell - you'll get there!
Drive Now - Talk Later.
Driver carries no money - he's married!
Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Dyslexics of the world...UNTIE!!

E. coli Happens
E=MC - Alfonzo Einstein (Albert's slightly slower 2nd cousin)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Earth first! We'll strip mine the other planets later!
Earth is full. Go home.
Eat a Beaver - Save a Tree.
Eat well, keep fit, and die anyway.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Education Prevents Prisons.
Elitism...It's not for everyone!
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
Empty the prisons - make room for Congress!
Encourage your hopes not your fears.
End racism - Kill everyone!
End World Hunger - Can't Feed 'em, Don't Breed 'em!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Enjoy life it's not a dress rehearsal.
Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal.
Enjoy Wildlife - Have Kids!
Enlighten a liberal - shine a flashlight under his rock.
Enough with the bumper stickers already!
Enough with the ribbons already!.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Equal Rights Are Not Special Rights
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Escape Wisconsin
Eschew obfuscation.
Eve was framed
Ever notice how all the "Celebrate Diversity" bumper stickers look alike?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Every Mother Is A Working Mother
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everybody repeat after me: We are all individuals.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone Makes A Difference
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
Everything Is Somewhere.
Ex-Spouse in Trunk.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog......
Fat people are hard to kidnap.
Feel safe tonight...sleep with a cop.
Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.
Feudalism: the original Christian Coalition
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Fight air pollution. Get a horse.
Fight crime - shoot back!
Fight Prime Time, Read A Book.
Fight road rage - slower traffic keep right.
Fighting for Peace is like Having Sex for Virginity.
Filthy stinking rich...well, two out of three ain't bad.
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering...
Fish tremble at the sound of my name.
Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.
Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!
Flying saucers are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist.
Focus on your own Darn family!
Fog happens!
Fool me once, shame on you - Fool me twice, shame on me.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
For Such A Small Town This One Sure Has A Lot Of Assholes In It!
Forget about world peace - Visualize using your turn signal.
Forget love - I want to fall in chocolate!
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Freedom means the responsibility of choice.
Freedom OF Religion = Freedom FROM Religion
Freedom: the Distance between Church and State.
French Roast makes me go "Oui! Oui!"
Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.
Friendly checkout clerk: "Thanks for keeping me that way!"
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Front Wheel Drive Is for Girls!
Fundamentalism Stops A Thinking Mind
Fur is warm!

Gas, Grass or Ass - Nobody Rides for Free!
Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.
Get off the phone and drive!
Get with the Phylum!
Get your rocks off - study geology!
Gettin' Old Isn't For Sissies.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give Blood - Play Hockey.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
Go on. I'll see you at the next traffic light.
God created whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
God, Guts and Guns keep America free.
God has a sense of humor - the more you complain, the longer you live.
God is Coming And is She Pissed.
God is just pretend.
God is living in Canada and doesn't want to get involved!
God is too big to fit in one religion.
God made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
God, please protect me from your followers.
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
God was my co-pilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.
God...you'd better be right!
Goddess bless.
Golf is how I rough it.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
Good girls go to heaven; bad girls go everywhere.
Good people come in all Colors.
Good Shit Happens!
Good Things Happen.
Government: 90% fact free.
Graduate quickly - millions on welfare depend on you.
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
Gravity - not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
GREENPIECE [with a green gun]
GRITS - Girl Raised in the South
Ground Beef: a cow with no legs!
Grow your own dope; plant a man.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
GUCK FORE
Gun control is a steady hand.
Gun control is being able to hit your target.
Gun control means using both hands.
Gun control means using both hands!
Gun control today, Total control tomorrow.
Gun control: simple solutions for simple minds.
Gun exchange programs would work great if they gave you a gun when you handed in a criminal!
Gun Owners Do It With More Bang!
Guns don't kill people, people kill people.
Guns don't kill people - postal workers do.
Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier.
Guns Don't Kill - Taxes Do!
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.

Half the people you know are below average.
Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt.
Hang up and drive!
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Happiness is Clinton's face on a milk carton
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law on a milk carton.
Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.
Hatred is not a Family Value.
Have a nice day...somewhere else.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu??
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE
Have you slugged your kid today?
Have You Been Limbaughtomized?
He who dies with the most toys wins.
He who farts in church sits in his own pew.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He's not dead - He's electroencephalographically challenged.
Health Care Is A Right Not A Privilege
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over.
Heil Hillary.
Heisenberg may have slept here
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Hell yeah I'm drunk! I ain't no stunt driver!
Help end poverty - Eat the poor.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
HELP! I've tripped and I can't get down!
HELP! The paranoids are after me!
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Hey dumb ass, I bought my own car; not mommy and daddy!
Hey, I'M Irish all year long!
Hey idiot - You're driving a car, not a phone booth!
Hey man, you live in America now...speak Spanish!
Hippies make great pets.
Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
Hire the handicapped - they are fun to watch.
Hit me! I need money.
HIT ME! This car isn't paid for yet.
Hold on before you pass. I'm reloading.
Holocaust? Which One?
Homeopathy Heals Harmlessly
Honk if I'm Jesus!
Honk if parts fall off!
Honk if you are codependent.
Honk if you are horney.
Honk if you ARE Jesus.
Honk if you are just a honker.
Honk if you don't give a damn.
Honk if you hate noise pollution.
Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton!
Honk if you love cheeses.
Honk if you love goat cheese.
Honk if you love me.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you're illiterate.
Honk if you've been groped by Clinton.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
Honk If you had sex with the President.
Honk If You Think I'm Jesus
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
How can you trust me with a child if you won't trust me with a Choice?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
How's my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK
Hug your kids at home - Belt them in the car!
Huked on foniks werkd fer me!
Hukt on fonix reely wurkt for mee!
Humor, never leave home without it.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada.
I am in love with me.
I am lost, but I am making record time.
I am not a bum! My wife works.
I am not a housewife, I am a domestic engineer.
I am not speeding, I am qualifying.
I am overjoyed with whelm!
I am Stoned of Borg! Resistance is like, like,...I forget.
I am tattooed white trash!
I am the speaker of the house, He is the listener.
I baked the Pillsbury Doughboy!
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
I believe the internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.
I Brake for hallucinations.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I brake for nothing smaller than I am.
I Brake for Unicorns
I brake for - wait - AAAH! - NO BRAKES!!!!!
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can only please one person a day, and today ain't your day.
I can recall when fire fighting was dangerous and sex safe.
I can see clearly now - my brain is gone!
I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't vote for the dope from Hope.
I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
I do everything my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
I Do Whatever The Little Voices Tell Me To Do.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
I Don't Need Therapy, I Need Money.
I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!
I don't want the whole world, just your half.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!
I drive this way just to piss you off.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I embarrass my offspring.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fight poverty - I work.
I fish; therefore, I lie.
I gave up drinking, smoking and sex. Worst 15 minutes of my life!
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
I go from zero to horny in six beers.
I got this motor home for my wife...Best deal I ever made!
I hate coffee - it keeps me awake at work.
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
I have a problem with drinking...two hands and only one mouth.
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
I have nothing against God - it's his followers I can't stand.
I have PMS and a gun - Excuse me, did you have something to say?
I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
I hit people who brake for animals!
I Inhaled - And Vote!
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I is a colege studant.
I just filled the tank; this car is now worth $19.98.
I just got a gun for my wife - good trade.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just love nonverbal communication!
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
I know that you have a thing for me, but why is it so small and deformed?
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I left the womb for this?
I like cats - they taste just like chicken.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
I love animals. They're yummy!
I Love Cats - Dead Ones!
I love Daddy's Money.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I love gridlock.
I Love My Country - But Fear My Government.
I [heart] your wife/daughter/mother.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I make noise with my engine, not my speakers!
I make shit happen.
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning.
I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you!
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.
I only work here because I've become accustomed to certain luxuries....eating and living indoors.
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go!
I plead contemporary insanity.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I remember when motorcycles were dangerous and sex was safe!
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I shoot every third salesman. The second one just left.
i souport publik edekashun.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
I suffer from CRS (Can't Remember Shit).
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I think, therefore I don't listen to Rush Limbaugh.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried being normal once...I didn't like it.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I wanna be like Barbie. That bitch has everything!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather - not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I want to make love in the worst way - standing up in a canoe.
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
I will never put off 'til tomorrow what I can forget about forever.
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
I wish the buck stopped here - I could use a few.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wonder how you'd drive with that car phone shoved up your ass?
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'd cheat on Hilary, too
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'd rather be driving my tank.
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
I'd rather be right than politically correct.
I'd rather be smashing imperialism.
I'd rather eat shit than drive a Jap truck!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I'll never give up my cell phone until you pry it from my cold, dead hand!
I'm a blonde. What's your excuse?
I'm a Christian, and I'll kill anyone who says otherwise!
I'm a corporate executive - I keep things from happening.
I'm a real woman! I don't have hot flashes; I have power surges!
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I'm an imbecile and I vote.
I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm BUYSEXUAL - If I want sex, I have to BUY it.
I'm from Minnesota where we have all four seasons... winter, winter, winter, Aug 15!
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. It's because I hate plants.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
I'm not driving fast - just flying low.
I'm not from Texas, but I got here as fast as I could.
I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!
I'm not littering...I'm donating to the earth.
I'm not really a driver, I just play one on TV.
I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are!
I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting!
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm pro choice. I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat and wear fur.
I'm Pro-Choice. I choose to eat meat, hunt, fish, trap, wear fur....
I'm Pro Lifejacket And I Boat
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm Shy!
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air.
I'm spending my kids' inheritance.
I'm surrounded by idiots!
I'm the man of this house, and I have my wife's permission to say so.
I'm the person your mother warned you about!
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
I've found Jesus - He's in my trunk!
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
I've run out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman's place is in the home, why am I always in the car?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
If Clinton is the answer, what was the question?
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If God had intended us to vote - we'd have been given candidates.
If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If God is your co-pilot, SWITCH SEATS!
If going to church makes you a christian, does going to the garage make you a car?
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children.
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.
If I roll up my windows and lock the doors, its because you smell horrible.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole...I'd fart (_!_)
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If I'm driving funny its probably because I'm drunk.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it.
If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
If progress means to move forward, what does Congress mean?
If Rush is right, I'll take what's left
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE?
If the grass appears greener in the other pasture, it's only because there's more manure over there.
If the people lead, eventually the leaders will follow.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the president is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them.
If they take away our guns, how will we shoot the liberals?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hutt??
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If we can free the cookies, can the vegetables be far behind?
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are not the lead truck, the scenery never changes.
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you believe in telepathy, think honk!
If you can beat me, you can eat me.
If you can do the time, you can do the crime.
If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs you have failed to grasp the situation.
If you can read this, I am parked.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough. [On Front Bumper]
If you can read this, I have lost my caravan.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer!
If you can read this, please flip me back over. [Upside down]
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can read this, then Get The Hell Out of My Way!
If you can read this, you're in phaser range.
If you can read this, you're too close. [Written in braille]
If you can read this, you're too damn close!
If you can't change your mind are you sure you still have one?
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a baby?.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.
If you feel attacked by feminism, its probably a counter attack.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it!
If you love your life as much as I love my car, then you won't steal it.
If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you think "Our Father In Heaven" is angry, wait 'till mom finds out!
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance,
If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde.
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you are doing it the WRONG WAY!!
If you think the system is working ask someone who isn't.
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If you want a stable relationship, get a horse.
If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RESUSCITATE ME" on your chest!
If you're against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic.
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you're happy, and you know it, see a shrink.
If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!
If you're rich, I'm single.
If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
Ignore the environment - it will go away.
Illiterate? Call 1-800-READ2ME for help.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
Imagination Is More Important Than Knowledge -Einstein
Imagine No Handguns.
Impeach President Clinton and her husband too.
Impeach the President - and fire Bill, too.
Impotence: nature's way of saying No hard feelings.
In God we fuss.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
In Goddess we trust.
In Guns We Trust - E Pluribus Bang.
In search of the eternal buzz.
In the beginning man created God in his image.
In theory, everything works.
Indians died for your christian sins.
Indians discovered Columbus.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
Innovate and Overcome
Insured by the Mafia: You hit me - WE hit you.
Invest In America - Buy A Smith & Wesson.
Invest In America...Buy A Congressman.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Is it too late to get the Russians to nuke Washington?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is there life before coffee?
Isis! Isis! Ra! Ra! Ra!
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
It ain't the size, it's...no, no, it's the size.
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It takes a DAMN GOOD MAN to be better than NONE AT ALL.
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
It took 40 years to make me look this good.
It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
It's a girl! [with nativity scene]
It's a Jeep thing. You wouldn't understand.
It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
It's as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's been Monday all week.
It's easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child.
It's easier to obtain forgiveness than permission.
It's hard to be humble when you own a bull mastiff!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It's not how you pick it, but where you flick it.
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put the boogers.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!
It's not your money, it's THEIRS...THE-IRS!
It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
It's The Criminals - Stupid
It's time for another magical mystery tour.
It's time to pull over and change the air in your head.
It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.
Itty-bitty cuddly bunnies...the other white meat.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jail to the Chief
"JESUS" [with a red "NO" crossed circle over it]
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
Jesus is coming...and boy is He pissed!
Jesus is coming...Look busy.
Jesus loves you! (Everyone else thinks you're an asshole!)
Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
Jesus Saves! - at Bank of America.
Jesus saves lives and then redeems them for valuable prizes.
Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES!
Jesus saves? That's nice. It's good to be frugal.
Jesus was a bachelor.
Jesus Was A Liberal.
Jimmy Carter: No Longer America's Worst President.
Join the Army - Visit exotic places, meet interesting people - and then kill them!
Just "Say No" to sex with Pro-Lifers.
Just because your not paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you.
Just plead the Fifth - or drink it - either way.
Just say no to one word solutions.
Just say no to sex with pro-lifers.
Just visiting this planet.
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.

Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.
Keep government out of the bedroom.
Keep government out of your billfold.
Keep Grandma off the road. Legalize bingo
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Keep Working: Millions On Welfare Are Depending On You.
Keep Your Laws Off My Body.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents...Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Kill It & Grill It.

Ladies Sewing Circle And Terrorist Society.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.
Laughing Stock: cattle with a good sense of humor.
Laughter, cries and all that is wise
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of the Old West: Smith and Wesson beats four aces
Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice.
Lead, Follow, Or Get Out Of The Way.
Lead me not into temptation - I can find it myself.
Lean Beef: A cow with two legs.
Learn from your parent's mistakes - Use birth control!
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
Let me tell you about my bowel movements.
Let's all make fun of the Nature Nazis.
Let's put the "fun" back in "funeral"!
Liberal: a conservative who hasn't yet been mugged.
Liberals want to make it the Bill of Lefts.
Libraries are for lovers.
Life Begins at 85!
Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging.
Life is a terminal disease.
Life is a witch and then you fly.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Full of nuts.
Life is like a straw, it sucks.
Life is one endless series of compromises.
Life is too complicated in the morning.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
Life's a buffet...so eat me!
Life's expensive, drive defensive.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.
Light travels faster than sould which explains why some people seem bright until they speak.
Listen To Women - For A Change
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Live simply so that I may have the stuff you don't use.
Live simply that others my simply live.
Lobotomies For Liberals - It's the Law.
Look out! Behind you!
Lost your cat? Look under my tires.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love makes a family.
Love means never having to say you're sorry - but doing so anyway.
Love thy first amendment.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Mafia staff car.
Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Mean people produce little mean people.
Mean people rule!
Mean people suck!
Meandering to a different drummer.
Meat is dinner!
Men are like outhouse's, always taken or full of shit!
Men aren't pigs. Pigs are gentle, cute creatures!
Men of quality respect women's equality.
Mental Floss Prevents Moral Decay.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Miles Smiles Friends - DRAG RACING
Militant Agnostic
Militant Agnostic: I don't know and neither do you.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 States.
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
Missing Husband and Dog: Attention! $100.00 Reward For Dog.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money isn't everything...but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
Montana - At least our cows are sane!
Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship.
More Jobs? What About Less People?
Most Americans have Faith... You can tell by the Way They Drive.
Most men would respect a woman's mind more if it bounced gently as she walked.
Mother-in-law in trunk
Murder Is Not Pro-life.
My child is an honor student at the state penitentiary.
My child was "Inmate of the Month" at the county jail.
My convictions are not for public display.
My family values the right to read.
My Goddess gave birth to your God.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
My honor student fired your stupid kid.
My karma ran over your dogma.
My kid can beat up your honor student.
MY KID DONE GRADEATED 8th GRADE!
My kid had sex with your honor student.
My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.
My money goes to College...I have no idea where my daughter goes.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other auto is a 9MM.
My other car is a cloud!
My other car is a Dogsled.
My other car is a piece of shit, too.
My other car is a Rolls Royce.
My other car is at the IRS!
My other car is Christine, and she's right behind you!
My other car is up my nose.
My other car sticker is funny.
My other ride is your mom
My other toy has tits.
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
My other wife is beautiful!
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student.
My reality check bounced!
My truck isn't leaking, it's marking its territory!
My vote cancels your vote
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
My Wife? Yes. My Dog? Maybe. My Gun? Never.
My wife's other car is a broom.

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Neighbors' cats make good hats.
Never doubt that a small group of committed citizens can change the world.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never ever trust a draft dodger.
Never fight ugly people - they have nothing to loose.
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
Never take away hope. It's all that some people have.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
New World Order Same Old Lies.
Newt Happens.
Newter Gingrich
Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Nixon was a Cox sacker.
No Gods - No Masters.
No matter where you go, you're there.
No money in this vehicle - Driver is married.
No one is free when others are oppressed.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No radio. Already stolen.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
No smoking in bed?....No sleeping in the ashtrays!
No special rights for right-wing christians.
Nobody For President.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
Nonconformists are all alike.
Normal people worry me.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Not All Who Wander Are Lost
Not tonight dear, I have a modem!
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Nothing is impossible to the person that doesn't have to do it.
Now that you're on my ass, you wanna get married?
Nuke a Gay Baby Whale for Christ.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
Nuke the Whales.

O. J. in Trunk.
O. U. 8. 1. 2.
Occupant May Flick Cigarette Butts At Random.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.
Oh, So That Explains The Difference In Our Salaries.
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One Earth, One Slab of Asphalt.
One More Whore, and We Get Gore!
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
One of us is thinking about sex...OK, it's me.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only crooked politicians fear armed citizens.
Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street, and a draft dodger live in the White House.
Only users lose drugs.
Open Space - Our Common Wealth
Open your mind, not your Bible.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!

P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals.
P.M.S. Hell?! This is one of my better days!!
Pain is inevitable, misery is optional.
Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.
Peace is Disarming.
Peel off backing and adhere to bumper.
People Against Nude Chimps.
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
People say I have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
Piss off the liberals - Buy a gun.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Plants & Animals Disappear To Make Room For Your Fat Ass.
Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.
Please don't tell my Mama that I work on an oil rig...he thinks I'm a piano player in a whorehouse.
Please honk if you would like to see my finger.
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
Poli-Tics: poli meaning many; ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.
Politicians and diapers need to be changed - often for the same reason.
Politics may not be the oldest profession, but the end results are the same.
Pork: It's worth going to hell over.
Poverty Sucks!
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self control.
Practice Random and Senseless Acts.
Practice Random Kindness & Senseless Acts Of Beauty.
Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.
Pray for Whirled Peas!
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Pro-get-a-life
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Prunes: the most efficient laxative - all natural and no color change required.
Psychedelicize Suburbia.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Put away your make-up and drive.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Question Assumptions.
Question Authority.
Question Reality.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Real Feminists Go Dutch!
Real men don't wear bowties.
Real women drive trucks.
Real women ride motorcycles.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Reality is for people who lack imagination
Reality is when it happens to you.
Reality: where the pizza delivery guy comes from.
Red meat isn't bad for you, green fuzzy meat is!
Redneck gunmobile.
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Restore
Rehab is for quitters.
Relax, it's just a lane change.
Religion - Move To Iran.
Religion Stops a Thinking Mind.
Religious Freedom Means Any Religion.
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
Remember Pearl Harbor - Nuke a Nip!
Remember that overnight success usually takes about 15 years.
Repetition is always better the second time.
Republican Women make Great Leaders. (You're following one now!)
Robin Hood Was Right
Rugby players eat their dead.
Run, Hilary, Run! [On Front Bumper]
Runners make great roadkill!

S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
S.C.A.R.Y. - Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees
S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone's Rights
Sailors get blown offshore.
Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live!!!!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Load Back!
Save a mouse...Eat pussy!
Save a tree, eat a beaver.
Save on gas, go fart in a jar.
Save the forest...Wipe your butt with a tree-hugger.
Save the planet - kill yourself!
Save the planet: recycle an environmentalist.
Save the President: Legalize Perjury.
Save the trees...Wipe your butt with an owl.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save the whales. Kirk & Spock will need them.
Saw it. Wanted it. Had a fit. Got it!!
Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Screw family values - Jesus was a bachelor.
Second Amendment: The Right to Bear Surface-to-Air Missiles.
Second Place Is The First Loser.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Self Righteousness. The Unforgivable Sin.
Seven Days Without Meat Make One Weak
Sex is a misdemeanor...the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
Sex is like pizza when it's good it's really good when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
She didn't Inhale - But She Swallows.
She who laughs, lasts.
Shhhh. Driver Asleep.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shit Happens.
Shoot pushers; not dope!
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Since things get better with age, I am approaching magnificent.
Single people have values too.
Skateboarding is not a crime - YET!
Slaves "R" Us - The New World Order.
Smile and the world smiles with you; fart and you stand alone.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smile...you're mom was pro-life.
Smokers do it until they're dead.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
So many cats...So little time.
So many idols - One True God.
So many pedestrians - so little time.
So many politicians - so few trees.
So many stupid people - So few comets.
So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Sorry, I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
Sorry I missed church - I've been practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.
Split wood, not atoms!
Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
Stop continental drift!
Stop Hate Politics!
Stop Inbreeding! Ban country music.
Stop Poverty - Nuke The IRS
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Stop the violence - or I'll kill you!
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Strive To Be Unique - Find Yourself Alone
Stupid should hurt!
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Subvert the dominant paradigm.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake
Suicide is a way of telling God "you can't fire me, I QUIT!"
Summer People, Some are Not!
Support a cause, Stop plate tectonics.
Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor.
Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
Support mental health, or I'll kill you.
Support yogurt, it's the only culture some people have.
Support your local economy, sustainable economic power begins at home.
Support your local extra-terrestrial
Support your local public library.
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
Support your right to arm bears.
Support your right to bare arms - Wear short sleeves!
Sure I was drunk last night.... but I would have made it home if some idiot hadn't stepped on my fingers.

Take a Bite out of Crime. It tastes like Chicken.
Take me drunk, I'm home.
Tan, Rested and Ready - Nixon in '88
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.
Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Television is drugs.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
Thank you for not breeding.
That's not a black broom handle in the window.
The American Dream is a chicken in every pot. Why did we elect a chicken who smoked pot?
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock.
The Best Man For The Job May Be A Woman.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.
The challenge is to live a moral life WITHOUT the promise of heaven.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The difference between Genius and Stupidity is Genius has its limits.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The first boat people were white.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The Goddess Is Alive And Magic Is Afoot
The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The Hole In The Ozone Is Directly Related To The Hole In Your Head.
The kids drive me crazy - I drive them everywhere.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
The meek will internet the world.
The mind succeeds by going - the heart by trying.
The more an asshole shits, the more attention it gets.
The more I learn about terrorism, the better I understand the phone company.
The more I know men, the more I like my dog.
The more I learn about women, the more I love my Harley.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
The more you know the less you need.
The more you play, the more you learn.
The most radical thing we can do is introduce people to one another.
The most violent element in society is ignorance.
The new right is fundamentally wrong.
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The only people dumber than politicians are voters.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The punk that beat up my honor student will someday be working for her.
The question of fishing is not a matter of life or death...it's more important than that.
The Right Is Wrong.
The road to hell Is paved with politicians.
The second most thrilling thing is flying - the first is landing/
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The squeaky wheel is often replaced.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The truth may set you free - but it will make you mad as hell first!
The truly educated never graduate.
The universe rearranges itself to accommodate your picture of reality.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
The West wasn't won with a registered gun.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world would be a terrific place if it weren't for the people.
The worm that sleeps in, doesn't get eaten.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
Thelma And Louise Live.
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are Neanderthals among us even now.
There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.
There is no gravity: the earth just sucks.
There might be hope for humanity if we didn't have to start out as children.
There was nothing Great about the Depression.
There's No Government Like No Government.
There's one in every crowd, and they always find me.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck.
They say, "God created man" - Samuel Colt made them equal.
They say you can't take it with you...but they also can't come and get it!
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
They told me I was gullible...then they took it out of the dictionary.
This car is like my husband - if it ain't yours, don't touch it!
This car protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 auto.
This car protected by Smith & Wesson.
This car stops for all roadkills
This Car Insured By Smith and Wesson.
This is not an abandoned car.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
This may not be the Mayflower, but YOUR Daughter came across in it!
This toilet is occupied.
This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
Those aren't two pillows!
Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach teachers.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Three terms for Clinton: the third in jail.
TI-3VOM [On Front Bumper]
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
'Tis better to have LOVED and LOST than to have LOVED and WON.
To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.
To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
To err is human, to really screw up, you need a computer!
To Hell with the Baptists. I'm going to Disneyland.
To Hell with the dog! Beware of the owner. (Handgun pointing at you.)
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To you it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group.
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
Too close for missiles, switching to guns.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Torturing one animal is cruelty. Torturing many animals is science.
Tow-ers will be violated
Toxic pollution makes us all endangered species.
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
Turn off TV - Turn on life.
Turn signal broken, watch for finger.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Tyson Bites!

Under Republicans, Man Exploited Man. Under Democrats, Its Just The Opposite.
Unencumbered by the thought process.
United Nations: Robin Hood of the Third World.
Unless you are the lead dog, your view does not change.
Unless You're A Hemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS!
Uppity Women Unite.
Us blones arent dum.
US Marine Corps - Everything destroyed in 30 minutes or the next one's free!
Use Condom Sense
USSA - United Socialist States of America
USSR - United States Socialist Republic

Vacuuming Sucks.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Vegetarians Are Sprouting Up All Over.
Vegetarians Taste Better.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Visualize Whirled Peas.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Viva Nashvegas! - eat more rhinestones.
Viva Smokey.
Vote Democrat - It's easier than getting a job.
Vote...it's easier than thinking.

Walk In Balance.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
WARNING! Children left unattended will be sold into slavery!
WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Warning: If you voted for Clinton, you can't shit here; your asshole's in Washington
WARNING: Mental backup in progress.
Warning: We smokers have determined that your bitching may be hazardous to your health.
Was today really necessary?
Watch For Falling Parts.
Watch my tail, not hers!
Watch witch on duty!
We All Live Downstream.
We All Live Downwind.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We don't give a damn how y'all do it up North!
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
We have the best Congress money can buy.
We make your ants say uncle.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
Welcome! Now go home.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
What are you stuck on stupid.
What do you do when you see and endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What [ford] Explorer, this is an EXPLODER!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What Part of "Get the Hell Outta My Way" Don't You Understand?
What part of http://www.getalife.com do you not understand?
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." don't you understand? - GOD
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What wisdom can you find greater than kindness.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
What's worse than a tourist? A part-year resident.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When all else fails, manipulate the data.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When did my family values become any of your damn business?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When God made man, She was only kidding!
When I become Fuhrer, things are gonna change!
When I get old, I'll move up north, drive slow and hold up traffic.
When I grow up I want to be a diesel.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When Irish eyes are smiling, they are up to something.
When life is bad...keep your head up, that way you don't see all the shit you've stepped in.
When religion ruled the world they called it the Dark Ages.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When the shit hits the fan, there's no telling who'll get splattered.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Where there's a whip, there's a way.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Where there's a will there's a BEER!
Where there's a witch, there's a way.
Where's the Messiah when we need Her.
Wherever fear may be, look it in the eyes.
Wherever you go - There you are.
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
WhiteWATER WhiteHOUSE WhiteWASH
Who cares who's on board?
Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?!
Who needs Santa. I've got Grandma
Who Owns You?
Who took the fun out of Fundamentalists.
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
Why be born again when you can just grow up?
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Why Be Normal?
Why can't I be rich AND good looking?
Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Wicked Good English Student!
Wild Women Don't Get The Blues.
Will Be President For Food.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Will work for food. Will beg for sex!
Will Work For Ammo.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Winning [with red slash]
Winning may not be everything, but losing sucks.
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Witch Parking Only - All Others Will Be Toad.
Witches are crafty people.
With friends like you, who needs enemas.
Without pain and suffering you have no choice!
Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Women may come, and women may go, but you can always rely on your truck.
Women Unite - Take Back The Night.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
WOMEN. Ya can't live WITH 'em, and ya can't live WITH 'em.
WOMEN. Ya can't live WITH 'em, and ya can't shoot 'em.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Worry about your own damn family values!
Worry! God knows all about you.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?
Wouldn't you rather be riding a mule on Molokai?
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

There are no entries for X.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
Yeah it stinks and is giving you a headache. It's a diesel
Yes, in fact...my father does own this road.
Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.
"Yield to Pedestrians" does not give them right of way.
"Stop for Pedestrians" does not give them right of way.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
You are not what you own.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You betcha dupa I'm Polish!
You can't be first, but you could be next.
You can't be late until you show up.
You can't beat a woman.
You can't have everything! Where would you put it?
You Cannot Simultaneously Prevent An Prepare For War -Einstein
You have been a naughty boy, go to my room!
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
You just lived your best moment, now GO live another!
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
You Toucha My Car I Breaka You Face
You will take my cigarette from me when you pry it from my cold yellow fingers.
YOU!!! Out of the gene pool!
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
Your honor student deals the best drugs.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Your lucky color has faded.
Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Your tailgating intimidation is wasted on my cruise control.

Zero to Bitch in 4.0 Seconds.
Zero to Happy in 6.3 Pedestrians.

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