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Blondes & Their Cars

Below is a collection of stories showing the funnier side of our blonde friends and their automotive experiences.

Be sure to check out the humorous stories also found on the Yarns & Tales, Model T Fun, Yugo Humor, and One-Liners & Shorts pages.

If you have a favorite story about blondes and autos that you would like to add to our list, you can send it to us using the Submit Humor form or if you prefer, by e-mail.

Just browse the tales below or select a story:

Road Work
The Blonde Sells Her Car
Dimmer Switches
The Paint Job
The Cool Blonde
 The New Car
Bagged Blonde
Daddy's Help
The Blonde Breaks Down
Duhhh!!
One-Liners & Shorts

Use at the end of each tale to return to the Humor page.

Road Work

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.

At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers.

The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blond 4 miles. He told her not to worry, she still had a good lead.

But, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.

The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well".

She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."

The Blonde Sells Her Car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Dimmer Switches

DATE: January 7, 1999

TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents

FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance

SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches Pursuant to the Ohio Department of

Motor Vehicles Act No. 497, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 2001-2008,, will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.

Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1999, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle. Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.

It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio DMV Act 497 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles.

A recent study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Nighttime Highway Traffic Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that 96% of all Ohio nighttime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel.

The Paint Job

One day a couple decided to have their porch painted. Since it was a rather large porch, they elected to hire someone for the job so they put a sign, "Painter Needed," in their front yard. Before long there was a knock at the door, and the couple was rather surprised to see a beautiful, sexy blonde claiming to be a very good painter.

"Well, okay, we need the porch painted." the couple reply, "But, you'd better take a look first and tell us how much you will charge."

The blonde disappeared for a few minutes, but upon returning, said she would do the job for $300. Feeling they had made a very good deal, the couple agreed and retreated into the house.

About two hours later, the blonde appeared at the door, announcing that she was all done, even having applied two coats.

"Very good!" the couple said with amazement.

"But," the blonde continued, "that is a Ferrari, not a Porsche!"

The Cool Blonde

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are riding across the desert in a car when it breaks down. Having no mechanical skills, they decide they will have to walk back to town. Each decides what they will take along to help keep cool on their hot journey.

"I'll bring a thermos of water in case we get thirsty along the way," said the redhead.

"I'll bring an umbrella to shield us from the sun," said the brunette.

"I'll bring the car door," said the blonde with some pride in her choice.

"The car door?" the others asked in puzzlement.

"Yes," confirmed the blonde. "That way, if we get too hot, we can roll down the window."

The New Car

A successful blonde decided to trade her yuppie BMW for something a bit more exciting. She visited a local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible which the salesman assured her that it had been wonderfully restored. She fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint and black leather interior, and an empty check stub later, she drove it from the lot

The next day, she was off streaking down the winding country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind. Music was blaring from the radio. What could possibly go wrong? What indeed! Suddenly, there was a sputtering sound from the engine and the fantastic little car slowly coasted to a stop.

She got out, lifted the hood, and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what the trouble might be. Never being without her cell phone, she made a quick call to the auto club, and a short wait brought a bright shiny yellow tow truck to her rescue.

"That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"

"Well, it just conked out."

"Let me have a look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple, really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked, she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Bagged Blonde

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were riding in a car when they ran a stop sign, and a cop started chasing them. They had managed to get a little ahead of the pursuing arm of the law when they saw three burlap bags lying in the ditch beside the road. Stopping the car, each of them got into one of the bags.

The cop finally caught up with them and saw the empty car. Noticing the three bags, he approached the bag with the brunette in it and kicked it. The brunette said "Meow, Meow."

The cop said, "Oh, there's a kitty in this bag." Then, he kicked the bag with the redhead in it, and she said, "Arf, Arf."

The cop said, "Aw, there's a puppy in this bag."

Finally, he went up to the bag containing the blonde and kicked it, and she said, "Potato."

Daddy's Help

A pretty blonde got lost while driving in a terrible snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her, "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally, the driver of the plow got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Now you can follow me over to K-Mart!"

The Blonde Breaks Down

One day while driving along the Interstate, a blonde's car suddenly breaks down. She eases the car over onto the shoulder of the road and carefully steps out and opens the trunk.

Out jumps two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst chain-reaction traffic accidents in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the blonde, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Duhhh!!

A blonde was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a horrible hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls. Her poor car was badly dented all over.

The next day, the blonde took the damaged to a local repair shop. The repair guy, noticing that she was blonde, decided to have some fun with her. He told her to take the car home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and the dents would pop right out.

When she got home, she started blowing into the tail pipe as hard as she could.

After a few minutes, her girl friend (also a blonde) dropped by and saw her all red-faced, blowing into the tail pipe. Startled, her friend asked, "What are you doing?" clearly thinking the worse.

The blonde repeated the story of how the repair guy had told her to blow into the tail pipe really hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girl friend said, "Well duhhhh...you need to roll up the windows first."

One-Liners & Shorts

Q: Why did the blonde sell her car?
A: To get gas money!

Q: What do you call a Volkswagen with 2 blondes in it?
A: A "FarFromThinkin".

Q: Why do blondes have to buy cars with the dimmer switch on the floor?
A: They keep getting their feet caught in the steering wheel.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

Q: Why did the blonde finally pass her driver's test?
A: She took the examiner with her.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech, varoom...screech...?
A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why didn't the blonde go to the movies on buck night?
A: Because she couldn't fit the deer into her car!

Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives car?
A: Because she blows the horn.

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: Why'd the blonde bury her driver's license?
A: Because it had expired!

Q: Why did the blonde get run over by a compact car?
A: She thought it was a big car far away!

A blonde driving a brand new car is car-jacked at gun point. When the police question her, she responds: "I don't remember what he looked like, but I can give you his license plate number."

A car was swerving down the street when a police officer pulled it over. A blonde rolled down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I keep seeing trees in the road and having to swerve to avoid them."

The officer looked at her, then said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.

On a trip a blonde drives past a sign reading "CLEAN REST ROOMS 8 MILES." By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 rest rooms.

A guy asked his blonde wife, "How did you get the car into the living room?"

"I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."

At a car wash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blonde woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "Who ripped off my car phone?"

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